Archive for September, 2010

Annual 9/11 Post: 9 Years

September 11, 2010

It’s a cold, rainy, dreary day in Michigan.  Since things between M and I have fallen apart, any sadness I experience feels 100 times worse than usual.  Today included.

Time for reflection, as I do every day this year.  I am disgusted with 9/11 right now.  It’s bad enough to have lives destroyed and families torn apart and people getting sick because of 9/11, but for the event to be used as an excuse for rampant and blatant Islamophobia in this county is NOT OK.  What happened was bad, and it doesn’t make it any better by hatred and ignorance.  I’m typically really good at emphasizing with two sides of argument; but in cases of the “ground zero” mosque and Koran book burning crazies, I really cannot see where they are coming from.  I just resign to the fact that some people are just seriously fucking nuts.  And what really pisses me off is the idea that the “9/11 families” are some kind of official spokesgroup of all things related to 9/11.  Um, no.  I understand the hurt that these people are experiencing, but many many different people lost their lives that day and just because some people band together to voice their opinions very loudly does mean they speak for everyone who died and everyone related to the event.

I used to work a block away from the proposed “ground zero” mosque before I left to go back to school.  I used to walk past that building every single day; its an abandoned, dirty, neglected old building with the Burlington Coat Factory sign still hanging from the facade.  Its been empty for as long as I worked there, at least 4 years.  I would love to see that old skeleton of a building be restored and used for something meaningful, such as place of religion, community center, whatever.  What is the big fucking deal?

It is strange to me that the people around me in Michigan don’t really know what this day means to me.  It is a hard subject to bring up in casual conversations with roommates as we are passing in the kitchen.  How could they understand anyway?  But I want to tell people; I want them to know how much today sucks for me and how weird it is for me they are out making dinner and drinking plans for tonight and I’m sitting in my room blasting some Bruce Springsteen and lighting some candles.

I still cannot fathom how much that one single day has defined the course of the rest of my life and my family, particularly my parents.  I hate that feeling.  I know that 9/11 represented a loss of innocence for many people of my generation, myself included.  My life, in every single aspect, will never, ever be like it used to be.

A new school year

September 1, 2010

I have five unfinished blog posts that I wrote over the summer sitting in my drafts folder.  In retrospect, I didn’t really read anything of interest over the summer, mostly fluffy fiction from my mother’s bookshelves to keep myself distracted.  And then, at the very end of the summer, right before I left for school, everything fell apart between M and I.  Can we rebuild it?  I don’t know.  I don’t know anything anymore.

Then I started reading Eat Pray Love.  It was sitting in my mom’s bookshelf and I read it because I felt if I didn’t read it,  I would just dissolve into sadness and nothingness.  I would sit on the train alone on my way back home, reading Eat Pray Love, tears streaming down my face, eating a giant fudge brownie from the Magnolia Bakery stand in Grand Central.  I felt as pathetic as I must have looked.  But that book really sustained me.

So now I’m back at school in Michigan and now feeling even more alone than ever, which I’m surprised is even possible.  Classes don’t start until after Labor Day but I had to move out early to clean out and move out of my old house from last semester.  Michigan as been very gracious to me, offering me a string of perfect cloudless warm 80 degree days that lure me outdoors, which is exactly what happened last year when I moved out here for the first time.  This week has involved farmers markets bursting with zucchini, tomatoes and peppers; revisiting my favorite parks and finding new ones (hello, County Farm Park!), raspberry picking, random drives out to the country, eating whatever I want (vanilla ice cream with homemade raspberry coulis for dinner, please) and just allowing myself to be alone.  I saw a hummingbird for the first time in the Nichols Arboretum, and that just has to be a good omen of some kind.  Soon school will start and the rest of my classmates will move back, and my life will be crazy; but now I’m forcing myself to try savor every last minute of this little sun-soaked Michigan summer vacation.