I have five unfinished blog posts that I wrote over the summer sitting in my drafts folder. In retrospect, I didn’t really read anything of interest over the summer, mostly fluffy fiction from my mother’s bookshelves to keep myself distracted. And then, at the very end of the summer, right before I left for school, everything fell apart between M and I. Can we rebuild it? I don’t know. I don’t know anything anymore.
Then I started reading Eat Pray Love. It was sitting in my mom’s bookshelf and I read it because I felt if I didn’t read it, I would just dissolve into sadness and nothingness. I would sit on the train alone on my way back home, reading Eat Pray Love, tears streaming down my face, eating a giant fudge brownie from the Magnolia Bakery stand in Grand Central. I felt as pathetic as I must have looked. But that book really sustained me.
So now I’m back at school in Michigan and now feeling even more alone than ever, which I’m surprised is even possible. Classes don’t start until after Labor Day but I had to move out early to clean out and move out of my old house from last semester. Michigan as been very gracious to me, offering me a string of perfect cloudless warm 80 degree days that lure me outdoors, which is exactly what happened last year when I moved out here for the first time. This week has involved farmers markets bursting with zucchini, tomatoes and peppers; revisiting my favorite parks and finding new ones (hello, County Farm Park!), raspberry picking, random drives out to the country, eating whatever I want (vanilla ice cream with homemade raspberry coulis for dinner, please) and just allowing myself to be alone. I saw a hummingbird for the first time in the Nichols Arboretum, and that just has to be a good omen of some kind. Soon school will start and the rest of my classmates will move back, and my life will be crazy; but now I’m forcing myself to try savor every last minute of this little sun-soaked Michigan summer vacation.