Archive for October, 2010

I really should be sleeping

October 26, 2010

This is the second night in a row that I have not been able to sleep.  Falling asleep usually comes blissfully easy for me and I know that when I’m not sleeping that something is not right.

I had such a shitty day today.  Nothing specific happened, I was just in a genuinely shitty mood.  I was tired due to lack of sleep last night.  Everything bothered me.  Looming midterms next week and homework deadlines this week make me feel anxious and stressed me out.  I let myself feel inadequate compared to my classmates who are flying off to California and Texas next week for job interviews at oil companies and big shot consulting firms and I have only applied for one job last week.  I keep telling myself that I don’t want to work for an oil companies or big shot consulting firms.  I know I would not be happy doing that work.  But still, sometimes I can’t help but feel like I don’t quite measure up to my peers. I know I need to not compare myself to others, but that is what happens when you’re in a shitty mood.

All semester I’ve been trying to make myself happy.  I’m trying to be kind to myself.  I like to do little things that keep me relaxed and in a good mood such as: keeping my room neat, making my bed in the morning, preparing my lunch, my outfit, and packing my bag the night before school so I’m not rushing in the morning, staying on top of my school work, going for walks whenever I please, baking whenever I can, cutting back on the amount of time I waste on Facebook, doing yoga before bed, jogging on the trails in the woods near my house, buying my produce at the farmers market or local food co-op instead of the large grocery stores, going to see a counselor at school, being pleasant to my roommates and surrounding myself with people who make me feel good about myself.

I’ve been doing relatively OK with everything.  Until today.  I feel like I have to constantly try to cheer myself up.  Today I just did not have the energy. All that trying to make myself happy does not hide the fact that I am (1) lonely; and (2) miss being loved/in love.

Now its 2:30 am.  I fear that another shitty day of feeling exhausted, inadequate, stressed, and anxious lies ahead of me due to lack of sleep.  I guess it is OK to have shitty days every now and then.  I should not be so hard on myself.  I was going to wake up early to go for a walk/jog, but I will let myself sleep in a bit more.  And that’s OK.  Now if only I can get some sleep.

Love at first sight

October 5, 2010

A big thing happened to me over the summer, I became a godmother.  My best friend had her daughter in August, right when my internship ended.  I packed a bag and moved in with her and her boyfriend, and spent the last 2 weeks of my summer hanging out with a newborn.

No one really close to me has ever had a child before and I didn’t know what to expect or how I would feel.  But as soon as I saw her, when her dad carried her out to us in the waiting room right after she was born, I was instantly head over heels in love.  Here was this tiny brand new person just born, but I already knew her and I already loved her.  It was truly love at first sight.

Her arrival into this world was perfectly timed.  Shortly after she was born, my relationship with M. unravelled.  I experienced sadness so intense that I was physically in pain.  Other times I felt numb, completely void of anything and everything that made me human; I felt like a shell of my former self.  The only thing that made me feel remotely better was holding my god-daughter and letting her fall asleep against my chest.  She liked when I rocked her and sang to her, and she would fall asleep right up against my heart.  I could feel her warmth and calmness flowing throughout my body healing everything that was broken within me.  How funny that this tiny little six pound newborn can have such an effect on me and be able to help me in ways that no one else could.

Now, of course, she is no longer a tiny six pound newborn.  She is just over 2 months old now, and my friend tells me all about her little personality that is starting to come through.  She no longer sleeps all day like she did when I was with her.  She’s awake and alert and likes to stare at things and make funny noises.  I am so lucky and thankful that I get to be a part of her life, and she a part of mine.