This is the second night in a row that I have not been able to sleep. Falling asleep usually comes blissfully easy for me and I know that when I’m not sleeping that something is not right.
I had such a shitty day today. Nothing specific happened, I was just in a genuinely shitty mood. I was tired due to lack of sleep last night. Everything bothered me. Looming midterms next week and homework deadlines this week make me feel anxious and stressed me out. I let myself feel inadequate compared to my classmates who are flying off to California and Texas next week for job interviews at oil companies and big shot consulting firms and I have only applied for one job last week. I keep telling myself that I don’t want to work for an oil companies or big shot consulting firms. I know I would not be happy doing that work. But still, sometimes I can’t help but feel like I don’t quite measure up to my peers. I know I need to not compare myself to others, but that is what happens when you’re in a shitty mood.
All semester I’ve been trying to make myself happy. I’m trying to be kind to myself. I like to do little things that keep me relaxed and in a good mood such as: keeping my room neat, making my bed in the morning, preparing my lunch, my outfit, and packing my bag the night before school so I’m not rushing in the morning, staying on top of my school work, going for walks whenever I please, baking whenever I can, cutting back on the amount of time I waste on Facebook, doing yoga before bed, jogging on the trails in the woods near my house, buying my produce at the farmers market or local food co-op instead of the large grocery stores, going to see a counselor at school, being pleasant to my roommates and surrounding myself with people who make me feel good about myself.
I’ve been doing relatively OK with everything. Until today. I feel like I have to constantly try to cheer myself up. Today I just did not have the energy. All that trying to make myself happy does not hide the fact that I am (1) lonely; and (2) miss being loved/in love.
Now its 2:30 am. I fear that another shitty day of feeling exhausted, inadequate, stressed, and anxious lies ahead of me due to lack of sleep. I guess it is OK to have shitty days every now and then. I should not be so hard on myself. I was going to wake up early to go for a walk/jog, but I will let myself sleep in a bit more. And that’s OK. Now if only I can get some sleep.